Opinions on this story excerpt?
Typical girl just found out she’s a princess story. Her best friend was kidnapped on her way to the castle. Just want to know if you can feel her contempt or is it melodramatic?
When Nima woke the room was empty and bathed in the sun’s fading rays. She laid there going over all that had happened earlier in the day, willing it be a dream. She was Nima daughter of Linea and Thomas no more. Now she was Nima, Princess of lies and daughter of deceit. She’d rule her people with smoke screens and false pretenses.
(skipped a few scenes)
A princess, Nima was in some alternate universe where everyone thought she was… a princess. Maybe she was having a vivid dream like Dorothy, and if she clicked her heels together she’d wake up in her bed in Ellicott City, Maryland, a place where if you pulled out a map you could point to it and say, “I live here. Want to visit sometime?” But of course this was no dream but a strange reality. A princess. Nima repeated the word numerous times, but it never felt comfortable in her mouth. It was more like popping a red candy hoping it was cherry, but finding it to be a cough drop instead.
And there was Cat, dragged off in by people bent on doing her harm. If Nima was a princess in a world with castles, kings, and queens, then where was Cat’s knight in shining armor? Where was the man who would slay a dragon to save her life? Hidden behind excuses like we’ll find her and the king will know what to do.
Risa returned with the water and filled the basin. Nima washed her face over and over until her skin had been scrubbed raw, until her soul was free of any emotional ties to those she once called family, until the only emotion left was contempt for all that once was and all that could never be. Maybe a normal girl would find the news of being a princess riveting, but Nima would not be riveted. She would be marble like the sink, present but not alive. Who could force her to be otherwise?
Nima selected a pale pink dress from the wardrobe. The garment slid easily over her skin, caressing every curve. It was like wearing air. As she was tying up her shoe’s there was a knock at the door and Rose entered.
She was wearing a slight smile that Nima returned with a blank look. “I’ve come to escort you to dinner.”
On exiting the room Rose offered Nima her right arm and a wider smile. They walked down the hall in silence, Nima feigning interest in the artwork they passed. Her heart was thudding fast against her ribcage. The heat from Rose’s body seeped through the layers of fabric to warm Nima’s arm until she felt that it was a hot kettle that would soon burn her if it were not removed in time.
“Do you like the dress? I was unsure of your measurements but I had the palace seamstress send over a selection.” Rose’s voice was soft as if she were whispering a secret only Nima was allowed to know. “They will need to be taken in, but we will get to that another time.”
Nima thought that the dress was ugly on principle. The collar threatened to suffocate her and the sleeves were like shackles. “It’s beautiful. Thank you,” Nima replied in a whisper of her own.
For a moment only the clicking of their shoes filled the hallway. The silence weighed heavily on Nima, threatening to overwhelm her eardrums and cause them to explode.
There are times where you’re “telling” rather than “showing.” I think the word “Princess” is overused. You said you skipped a few scenes, and I can only imagine that you talked about how much she’s a princess during those scenes, too. Where’s the action? I didn’t read it all. You’re doing too much telling and not enough showing. In the 2nd to last paragraph you’re *telling* us how she was suffocating from teh collar and the sleeves were like shackles. How can you get that point across without bluntly telling us? How can you describe this to the reader without actually saying it? Look for other instances in your writing where you’re telling us what happened or how the character felt and figure out how you can describe it those feelings or describe what happened without being overt about it.
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When Nima woke the room was empty and bathed in the sun’s fading rays [This is passive writing, try active. Find a way to show us that the room is bathed in rays instead of telling. Show us through descriptive words]. She laid there going over all that had happened earlier in the day, willing it be a dream. She was Nima daughter of Linea and Thomas no more. Now she was Nima, Princess of lies and daughter of deceit. She’d rule her people with smoke screens and false pretenses.
A princess, Nima was in some alternate universe where everyone thought she was… a princess. Maybe she was having a vivid dream like Dorothy, and if she clicked her heels together she’d wake up in her bed in Ellicott City, Maryland, a place where if you pulled out a map you could point to it and say, “I live here. Want to visit sometime?” But of course this was no dream but a strange reality. A princess [Okay, you're beginning to beat it to death]. Nima repeated the word numerous times, but it never felt comfortable in her mouth. It was more like popping a red candy hoping it was cherry, but finding it to be a cough drop instead.
Opinions on this story excerpt?
Typical girl just found out she’s a princess story. Her best friend was kidnapped on her way to the castle. Just want to know if you can feel her contempt or is it melodramatic?
When Nima woke the room was empty and bathed in the sun’s fading rays. She laid there going over all that had happened earlier in the day, willing it be a dream. She was Nima daughter of Linea and Thomas no more. Now she was Nima, Princess of lies and daughter of deceit. She’d rule her people with smoke screens and false pretenses.
(skipped a few scenes)
A princess, Nima was in some alternate universe where everyone thought she was… a princess. Maybe she was having a vivid dream like Dorothy, and if she clicked her heels together she’d wake up in her bed in Ellicott City, Maryland, a place where if you pulled out a map you could point to it and say, “I live here. Want to visit sometime?” But of course this was no dream but a strange reality. A princess. Nima repeated the word numerous times, but it never felt comfortable in her mouth. It was more like popping a red candy hoping it was cherry, but finding it to be a cough drop instead.
And there was Cat, dragged off in by people bent on doing her harm. If Nima was a princess in a world with castles, kings, and queens, then where was Cat’s knight in shining armor? Where was the man who would slay a dragon to save her life? Hidden behind excuses like we’ll find her and the king will know what to do.
Risa returned with the water and filled the basin. Nima washed her face over and over until her skin had been scrubbed raw, until her soul was free of any emotional ties to those she once called family, until the only emotion left was contempt for all that once was and all that could never be. Maybe a normal girl would find the news of being a princess riveting, but Nima would not be riveted. She would be marble like the sink, present but not alive. Who could force her to be otherwise?
Nima selected a pale pink dress from the wardrobe. The garment slid easily over her skin, caressing every curve. It was like wearing air. As she was tying up her shoe’s there was a knock at the door and Rose entered.
She was wearing a slight smile that Nima returned with a blank look. “I’ve come to escort you to dinner.”
On exiting the room Rose offered Nima her right arm and a wider smile. They walked down the hall in silence, Nima feigning interest in the artwork they passed. Her heart was thudding fast against her ribcage. The heat from Rose’s body seeped through the layers of fabric to warm Nima’s arm until she felt that it was a hot kettle that would soon burn her if it were not removed in time.
“Do you like the dress? I was unsure of your measurements but I had the palace seamstress send over a selection.” Rose’s voice was soft as if she were whispering a secret only Nima was allowed to know. “They will need to be taken in, but we will get to that another time.”
Nima thought that the dress was ugly on principle. The collar threatened to suffocate her and the sleeves were like shackles. “It’s beautiful. Thank you,” Nima replied in a whisper of her own.
For a moment only the clicking of their shoes filled the hallway. The silence weighed heavily on Nima, threatening to overwhelm her eardrums and cause them to explode.
There are times where you’re “telling” rather than “showing.” I think the word “Princess” is overused. You said you skipped a few scenes, and I can only imagine that you talked about how much she’s a princess during those scenes, too. Where’s the action? I didn’t read it all. You’re doing too much telling and not enough showing. In the 2nd to last paragraph you’re *telling* us how she was suffocating from teh collar and the sleeves were like shackles. How can you get that point across without bluntly telling us? How can you describe this to the reader without actually saying it? Look for other instances in your writing where you’re telling us what happened or how the character felt and figure out how you can describe it those feelings or describe what happened without being overt about it.
****
When Nima woke the room was empty and bathed in the sun’s fading rays [This is passive writing, try active. Find a way to show us that the room is bathed in rays instead of telling. Show us through descriptive words]. She laid there going over all that had happened earlier in the day, willing it be a dream. She was Nima daughter of Linea and Thomas no more. Now she was Nima, Princess of lies and daughter of deceit. She’d rule her people with smoke screens and false pretenses.
A princess, Nima was in some alternate universe where everyone thought she was… a princess. Maybe she was having a vivid dream like Dorothy, and if she clicked her heels together she’d wake up in her bed in Ellicott City, Maryland, a place where if you pulled out a map you could point to it and say, “I live here. Want to visit sometime?” But of course this was no dream but a strange reality. A princess [Okay, you're beginning to beat it to death]. Nima repeated the word numerous times, but it never felt comfortable in her mouth. It was more like popping a red candy hoping it was cherry, but finding it to be a cough drop instead.